A story about putting everything into one goal, losing it, and slowly finding stability again.

Pen Name or Anonymous: Anonymous
Age & Location: 21, Ohio

My first year of college did not go the way I expected. During this time, I was trying to get into a competitive program tied to my major. I spent months preparing for it, staying up late, redoing applications, going over everything again and again and again. A professor I trusted even told me I had a real shot — I believed that meant something.

Then I did not get accepted.

I told people I was fine, but it messed with me more than I expected. I kept thinking about what I did wrong and what that said about me. It stopped being about the program and turned into a feeling that maybe I was not cut out for anything serious — like I had already peaked, and I could not go any further.

Around then, my attention shifted to food. At first, it felt harmless, like I was simply acting "disciplined" and trying to get my life together. But it got stricter: eating less, working out more, etc. I liked how controlled my new routines felt — when everything else was uncertain, this, at least, was predictable.

I did not notice how far this went until my life started shrinking. I avoided eating with other people, I was tired all the time, cold and distracted… the list goes on and on. There were moments when I knew something was not right, but I pushed those inklings of feelings down and kept going.

Eventually, my body made the decision for me. I finally told my parents and was able to get help. It was awkward and frustrating and uncomfortable — a lot of sitting with thoughts I did not want to deal with.

Now, I am in a different place. I am studying biomedical engineering at a school I worked hard to get into — not because it sounds impressive or because of expectations, but because it actually interests me and feels doable. Even though I have moved on, I still have rough days. Those old, uncomfortable thoughts show up sometimes, but they do not control everything anymore.

I do not feel perfectly confident all the time — but I now believe that my future is not decided by one rejection or one version of me that did not make it through.